whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
