he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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