this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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