Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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