If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
