Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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