I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
