it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
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If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
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And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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