Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
