i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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