just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
