My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
