the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
