Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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