i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
