the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We need a shit load of segways right now
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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