:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
