I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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