I just pynch a tree in the face
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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