Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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