Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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