Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My feet surprised me
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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