i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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