aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
