Ambien. No doubt about it.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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