you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
