I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
