I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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