That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
