I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
