Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
