There was a lot of him and a little penis
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We need to get me chipped asap
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
