Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
