I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
