am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
