The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
