Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
