he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
