I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
