I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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