I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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