I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
