Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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