You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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