In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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