he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
