My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
