i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
