I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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