Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I checked into jail on foursquare
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
NoShamevember. You game?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize