Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
