i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
