im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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