I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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